The problem was, Christmas goodies came once a year but Dairy Queen Blizzards came YEAR ROUND. Yuummmmmmm. (insert motion of rubbing hand over stomach with a satisfied look on face). However, determination overcame temptation and the young girls decided to keep each other accountable to a set of guidelines that would steer them away from the ever-creeping-closer-tummy-consuming-chubbily-gaining-FRESHMAN-FIFTEEN. (YIKES!!)
The guidelines were set, and are now listed below. For 5 years the girls and many friends have jumped on the bandwagon of what has become known as the legendary No Junk January.
So come on! Jump aboard. Grab a friend for some good accountability and kick cookies, candy, ice cream, pop, chips, and your muffin top from your life. I, Kerrie Knudsen (and Melissa Bock), personally GUARANTEE great results, a greater amount of energy, and greater enjoyment of yourself. Okay, so that sounds a bit too Oprah for my blood, but you get the picture.
TIP: THE FIRST 10 DAYS ARE THE HARDEST. Make it through that, and you're golden. By the end of January, you won't want to touch that bowl of leftover, rotting Christmas candy. You might not want to touch it anyway. Rotting? Ugh!
Alright Ladies and Gentlemen,
It's time we lay down the law. I think we're all going to get sick and tired of the continuous calling and asking permission to eat this or that. So here it is, the laws of the trade. The book to live by. The 'Thou shalt nots' of junk. I hope everything below is fair and agreeable. If there are comments, complaints, or fistfights about anything written please seek either Kerrie or Melissa in your nearest Iowa & Minnesota locations.
1. Thou shalt make sure to eat well balanced meals and still receive proper nutrition. Our bodies needs are first priority, regardless of short-term deprivation. If you are anemic or have extremely low blood pressure due to lack of sugar or fat--EAT SOMETHING! We don't want anyone suffering for the cause of our stupidity and stubornness.
2. When you are compliant with #1 the first thing to avoid is Fast Food. And by fast food we mean your mom. No Hardees, McD's, Wendy's, bottlerockets, BK, etc. This does not include restaurants such as Subway, Jimmy Johns, Hy-Vee Wine & Spirits section, or King Buffet.
*note to self: salads area acceptable in any building, whether it includes a drive-thru or not.
3. Pizza and pancakes (with syrup) are allowed as meals, along with honey in cream-of-wheat or teas. Pizza at supper is different than pizza at midnight, and who can resist some good bonding over a hearty brunch of waffles (complete with syrup traps. when you get to the butter--split up! *please google video Mitch Hedberg for full hilarious description of what was just typed. It will make more sense that way).
4. No chocolate. Not even in drinks (mochas, hot chocolate, etc).
5. No pop. Don't argue with this one, or we'll kung fu chop you in half and you won't even be able to enjoy that pizza for dinner.
6. Candy and ice cream are definately out of the picture. The only exception is to attempt a large DQ blizzard and successfully eat the entire 32 oz 1300 calorie treat in less than 7 min, 38 seconds. (Congratulations to Jonathan West, who still holds this record).
7. **NOTICE: MAJOR CHANGE AHEAD. DO NOT VIEW UNTIL FULLY EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY PREPARED**
It's time we lay down the law. I think we're all going to get sick and tired of the continuous calling and asking permission to eat this or that. So here it is, the laws of the trade. The book to live by. The 'Thou shalt nots' of junk. I hope everything below is fair and agreeable. If there are comments, complaints, or fistfights about anything written please seek either Kerrie or Melissa in your nearest Iowa & Minnesota locations.
1. Thou shalt make sure to eat well balanced meals and still receive proper nutrition. Our bodies needs are first priority, regardless of short-term deprivation. If you are anemic or have extremely low blood pressure due to lack of sugar or fat--EAT SOMETHING! We don't want anyone suffering for the cause of our stupidity and stubornness.
2. When you are compliant with #1 the first thing to avoid is Fast Food. And by fast food we mean your mom. No Hardees, McD's, Wendy's, bottlerockets, BK, etc. This does not include restaurants such as Subway, Jimmy Johns, Hy-Vee Wine & Spirits section, or King Buffet.
*note to self: salads area acceptable in any building, whether it includes a drive-thru or not.
3. Pizza and pancakes (with syrup) are allowed as meals, along with honey in cream-of-wheat or teas. Pizza at supper is different than pizza at midnight, and who can resist some good bonding over a hearty brunch of waffles (complete with syrup traps. when you get to the butter--split up! *please google video Mitch Hedberg for full hilarious description of what was just typed. It will make more sense that way).
4. No chocolate. Not even in drinks (mochas, hot chocolate, etc).
5. No pop. Don't argue with this one, or we'll kung fu chop you in half and you won't even be able to enjoy that pizza for dinner.
6. Candy and ice cream are definately out of the picture. The only exception is to attempt a large DQ blizzard and successfully eat the entire 32 oz 1300 calorie treat in less than 7 min, 38 seconds. (Congratulations to Jonathan West, who still holds this record).
7. **NOTICE: MAJOR CHANGE AHEAD. DO NOT VIEW UNTIL FULLY EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY PREPARED**
After days of reviewing nutrition labels and pouring our lives into seeking the truth behind the contents of pretzels, cereal, popcorn, and jello the conclusion has been reached by an elite panel of judges that they are perfectly safe to consume and do not breech any contracts binding your souls to No Junk January. *movie theater popcorn, however, did not make the A-list and is still not allowed.
NO ARGUMENTS. PERIOD.
8. Nate Bock, this year please remember that chocolate chip cookies ARE junk food. Even homemade ones.
9. chips, brownies, and cookies are also definately not allowed. If there is something else you are unsure of, it is your call whether to eat it or not. We give you right to exercise your freedom in this area. Just remember: It's on your conscience, not ours.
NO ARGUMENTS. PERIOD.
8. Nate Bock, this year please remember that chocolate chip cookies ARE junk food. Even homemade ones.
9. chips, brownies, and cookies are also definately not allowed. If there is something else you are unsure of, it is your call whether to eat it or not. We give you right to exercise your freedom in this area. Just remember: It's on your conscience, not ours.
10. If you find yourself going through a life crisis, all rules are to be thrown out the window and a chocolate fondue and Dairy Queen Blizzard party is to be instigated immediately.
We wish you all the best of luck as you embark on this journey into the unknown.
Sincerely (remember that kung fu chopping action? Yeah, we mean SINCERELY),
Nutrition Nazis,
Mel and Ker
ps. Yes, men. We are aware that some of you are on this list without actually taking part in the festivities. However, we would like to encourage you to join (it's not too late :)), but we know you probably won't. Mostly because you are just not man enough.
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